remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
