she kept yelling 'call me bella'
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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