i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
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