**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
