Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize