my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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