Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
