So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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