the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
