This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
