saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
It's not a walk of shame if you run
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
