you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You took a bar mat shot.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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