God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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