my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
