I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
