Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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