I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
