I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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