Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
