Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Randomize
