Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
