Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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