He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
