My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
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