If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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