i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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