the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
