Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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