She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
