I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
