I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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