so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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