life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
