just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
