she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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