she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize