The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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