I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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