at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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