in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize