I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
