6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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