She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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