Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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