my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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