I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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