I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
