Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
