i just wanna soil my oats bro
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize