i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We're too hungover to prance.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
