If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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