I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize