i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
