Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
