I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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