Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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